


Do We Really Need a Group Chat?

by JewishDavidJacobs



Category: Newsies - All Media Types, Newsies!: the Musical - Fierstein/Menken
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, Group chat, John Mulaney References, M/M, More characters to come (probably), Quarantine, Texting, The Author Regrets Everything, also not enough, i’m not sure what this is, javid - Freeform, newsbians, sprace, way too many - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-05-30
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:27:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24155068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JewishDavidJacobs/pseuds/JewishDavidJacobs
Summary: CowboyKelly: Davey and I are having a fightCowboyKelly: Help us solve our problemBetterJacobs: Is this for real or is it a joke?CowboyKelly: YesCowboyKelly: Which comes first the water or the toothpasteKingOfBrooklyn: You're an idiotCowboyKelly: Thank youCowboyKelly: Answer the questionKingOfBrooklyn: This is a dumb argumentnascar: toothpaste firstKingOfBrooklyn: Who the FUCK puts toothpaste first?nascar: I the fuckKingOfBrooklyn: We’re breaking upnascar: K
Relationships: David Jacobs/Jack Kelly, Sarah Jacobs/Katherine Plumber Pulitzer, Spot Conlon/Racetrack Higgins
Comments: 61
Kudos: 138





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> CowboyKelly: Jack - 18  
> DavidJacobs: Davey - 18  
> BetterJacobs: Sarah- 18  
> SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU): Katherine - 18  
> KingOfBrooklyn: Spot - 18  
> nascar: Race - 17  
> SitHere&FeedMyBirds: Crutchie/Charlie - 16

**There’s a Horse LOOSE in the Hospital**

**10:23 PM**

_ CowboyKelly: _ Davey and I are having a fight 

_ DavidJacobs: _ Stop. 

_ CowboyKelly: _ Help us solve our problem 

_ BetterJacobs: _ Is this for real or is it a joke?

_ CowboyKelly:  _ Yes

_ CowboyKelly:  _ Which comes first the water or the toothpaste

_ KingOfBrooklyn: _ You're an idiot 

_ CowboyKelly: _ Thank you

_ CowboyKelly: _ Answer the question 

_ BetterJacobs: _ Water

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU): _ I don't know which I do. I think it’s a muscle memory thing

_ CowboyKelly:  _ Go brush your teeth

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ No

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU): _ I can’t because I’ll overthink it and it won’t be an accurate test

_ BetterJacobs:  _ I’m still confused. Is this an actual fight?

_ CowboyKelly: _ I’m honestly not sure 

_ CowboyKelly: _ I think he’s mad though

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds: _ :(

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds: _ Are you okay, Davey?

_ DavidJacobs:  _ I’m fine, thank you, Charlie. 

_ DavidJacobs:  _ It’s just that my boyfriend is an idiot.

_ BetterJacobs: _ You’re right and you should say it

_ CowboyKelly: _ Hey!

_ CowboyKelly: _ :(

_ KingOfBrooklyn: _ This is a dumb argument

_ nascar:  _ Toothpaste first

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ Who the FUCK puts toothpaste first?

_ nascar: I the fuck _

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ We’re breaking up 

_ nascar: K _

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds: _ Toothpaste first but I can see either side 

_ CowboyKelly:  _ Including me and Davey we’ve got 3 for toothpaste 3 for water and 1 who doesn’t know

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU): _ I’ll text you all tonight once I brush my teeth

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU): _ Unless I’ve psyched myself out too much

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds: _ Davey, Jack, which one of you is toothpaste first?

_ BetterJacobs: _ David is water all the way

_ nascar:  _ how do u know how he brushes his teeth

_ BetterJacobs:  _ We’ve shared a bathroom for eighteen years

_ BetterJacobs:  _ You absolute dumbass

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds: _ Davey?

_ DavidJacobs:  _ Yes?

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds: _ Is Jack in trouble?

_ DavidJacobs:  _ No. 

_ CowboyKelly: _ :)

_ DavidJacobs:  _ He’s just a moron. 

_ CowboyKelly: _ :(

_ nascar:  _ In other news…

_ nascar:  _ I’m bored 

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ We’re all bored

_ nascar: _ But I’m reallllly bored 

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ What do you want me to do about

_ nascar: _ idk

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU): _ Same

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ It’s gotten to the point where I will voluntarily spend time with my father

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds:  _ Wow you must be really bored

_ nascar: _ ok but u know who the worst people are?

_ nascar: _ the fucking protesters

_ nascar:  _ we get it!!! staying inside sucks!!! get the fuck over it

_ nascar:  _ the only people who have a right to complain about it are the ones in poverty who aren’t getting paid

_ nascar:  _ I don’t care that u can’t have brunch with ur friends Janet

_ BetterJacobs:  _ Go off

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU): _ I’m loving this energy 

_ nascar:  _ and the idea that the only 2 options are stay home and go broke or leave the house and risk death is so fucking dumb

_ nascar: _ if the government could do their fucking job that would be great 

_ nascar:  _ and by government I mean trump and mcconnell and pence and those fuckers not the CDC 

_ nascar:  _ u know what I mean

_ BetterJacobs:  _ Did Race just have a coherent rant?

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU): _ Honestly if the grammar was better I would have thought Davey stole your phone and texted us

_ nascar:  _ we can move on now I just wanted to rant

_ BetterJacobs:  _ It couldn’t have been David because he’s too busy

_ KingOfBrooklyn: _ Doing what 

_ BetterJacobs:  _ Sulking 

_ BetterJacobs:  _ He’s going through Jack withdrawal

_ DavidJacobs:  _ You’re the worst. I am not going through withdrawal of any kind. 

_ BetterJacobs:  _ Yes you are

_ BetterJacobs:  _ You want cuddles

_ BetterJacobs: _ I can see it in your eyes 

_ BetterJacobs:  _ Also bc you've been hugging a pillow all day for a week and at night you’ve been sleeping on your side and putting a body pillow behind you

_ nascar:  _ EXPOSED

_ DavidJacobs:  _ Really? You’re the worst. 

_ CowboyKelly:  _ Awww babe I miss you too

_ DavidJacobs: _ I’m not going through withdrawal!

_ DavidJacobs: _ Not that I don’t miss you, Jack. 

_ CowboyKelly: _ It’s okay

_ CowboyKelly:  _ I’m going through Davey withdrawal

_ nascar:  _ can confirm

_ nascar: _ the number of paintings of/about Davey has increased exponentially

_ nascar: _ it’s gone from 27% of his work to 52% in 7 weeks

_ CowboyKelly:  _ Fuck off

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds: _ Did you actually do the math or is that a guess?

_ nascar:  _ I did the math

_ nascar: _ I already told u I have nothing to do and I’m bored af

_ BetterJacobs:  _ David is blushing so hard right now 

_ DavidJacobs:  _ Sarah!

_ BetterJacobs: _ You've been dating for two years! Trust me, Jack knows you like him

_ KingOfBrooklyn: _ If you’re in the same room why are you having a conversation over text?

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds:  _ Jack and I are also in the same room 

_ CowboyKelly: _ True

_ CowboyKelly:  _ Pass the chips

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds: _ Hi Sarah!!!

_ BetterJacobs: _ Hi!!!

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU): _ ?

_ BetterJacobs:  _ Jack and David are now facetiming so we can see each other

_ CowboyKelly: _ Race turn the volume down 

_ nascar: _ No

_ CowboyKelly:  _ Yes

_ CowboyKelly:  _ I’m trying to talk to my boyfriend so turn it down or I’ll put peanut butter in your pillowcase

_ CowboyKelly: _ Good choice

_ nascar:  _ I hate u

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ Jack wtf that’s disgusting

_ CowboyKelly:  _ And effective 

_ DavidJacobs:  _ Jack and I are signing off. Talk to you guys soon.

_ BetterJacobs: _ Ugh they’re being all mushy now

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds:  _ I think it’s sweet!

_ BetterJacobs:  _ Kinda but either way I don’t want to hear it so I’m going to go watch tv and eat popcorn. Byeeee

  
  


**12:44 AM**

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ Water first 

_ CowboyKelly:  _ Fuck you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it! Please let me know what you think!
> 
> I’m not sure how much plot this will have yet. I have to see if it’s just something I’m writing to be silly or to have a story and I haven’t decided yet.
> 
> I’m sometimes uncomfortable with writing the name Crutchie in modern aus so it might end up only being Charlie. Sorry if that’s weird. No judgement to those who use it! I don’t mind reading it, I just have a hard time writing it for some reason.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _nascar_ : oh my god
> 
>  _DavidJacobs_ : What?
> 
>  _nascar_ : how could someone so smart be so stupid so consistently
> 
>  _DavidJacobs_ : Hey, just because I speak several languages doesn’t mean I know how to get people to like me. There isn’t really any overlap there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s chapter two! Davey’s line in the summary is a reworked version of a prompt from tumblr btw so I don’t take credit for that one. 
> 
> Enjoy!

**There’s a Horse LOOSE in the Hospital**

**10:09AM**

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ How many hours a day is it acceptable to watch tiktok during quarantine?

_ BetterJacobs:  _ Lol what are days

_ nascar: _ lol what are hours

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ Fair 

_ DavidJacobs:  _ Two.

_ nascar: _ ur no fun

_ BetterJacobs: _ He was literally up until 4 on the app

_ nascar: _ EXPOSED

_ nascar: _ AGAIN

_ DavidJacobs:  _ Do as I say not as I do. 

_ CowboyKelly:  _ That’s the easiest way to get through life tbh

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU): _ *whip noise*

_ CowboyKelly: _ I’m not whipped I’m just smart 

_ KingOfBrooklyn: _ Smart isn’t the word I’d use 

_ CowboyKelly: _ What word would you use

_ KingOfBrooklyn: _ stupid

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU): _ Or whipped

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ That works too

_ CowboyKelly:  _ I hate you both

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds: _ Jack, you don’t listen to him either

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds: _ You’re always on tiktok

_ BetterJacobs:  _ They’re always sending them back and forth

_ DavidJacobs: _ So are we, Sarah.

_ BetterJacobs:  _ True

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ Am I the only one here who doesn’t use tiktok

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds:  _ Yes

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU): _ Don't download it

_ SonOfABitch( _ GenderSwapAU): Once you start watching you can’t stop and time has no meaning anymore

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ Time already has no meaning

_ BetterJacobs:  _ The only way I know time is real is that our mother occasionally leaves and comes back

_ BetterJacobs: _ But also she came home the other day and I said “wow, that was fast” and she just stared at me and then said “I was gone for twelve hours”

_ nascar:  _ #EstherJacobsMyQueen

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ She really is doing the most rn 

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds _ : 12 hours?!?!

_ BetterJacobs:  _ That’s not even the longest shift she’s had recently

_ nascar:  _ when I was twelve I wanted to be a nurse

_ DavidJacobs: _ What happened?

_ nascar:  _ I met your mom and now I know I’m not strong enough

_ BetterJacobs: _ Fair

_ DavidJacobs: _ Can I change the subject for a minute? Is there a way to nicely ask people to do their work?

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU): _ Context?

_ DavidJacobs: _ I’m working on a group project for history and it’s due in two days but I’m the only one who has completed (or even started) their piece. I tried emailing all of them on Monday but I didn’t get a response.

_ KingOfBrooklyn: _ What did you say

_ DavidJacobs:  _ Let me go to my sent box and I’ll copy and paste it. 

_ David Jacobs:  _ “Hi everyone, I just wanted to check in in regards to everyone’s progress on the assignment. We are presenting on Friday so it would be great to have it done soon so we can go over it. If you’re having any problems and need advice I’d be happy to help. Additionally, I know this is a crazy time so if you’re dealing with anything then I can complete your part if need be. Thanks, David.”

_ nascar: _ oh my god

_ DavidJacobs:  _ What?

_ KingOfBrookyn:  _ Do you not realize you just gave them an out?

_ DavidJacobs: _ What do you mean?

_ KingOfBrooklyn: _ You told people who obviously don’t want to do their work that you’ll do their work for them if they can’t

_ KingOfBrooklyn: _ They know that if they wait long enough you’ll do it

_ DavidJacobs:  _ Oh. 

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ Also you sound like a teacher

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU): _ Nobody likes a teacher

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ No offense, Davey, you know we love you 

_ DavidJacobs: _ Oh.

_ nascar:  _ how could someone so smart be so stupid so consistently

_ DavidJacobs:  _ Hey, just because I speak several languages doesn’t mean I know how to get people to like me. There isn’t really any overlap there.

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds:  _ We like you!!! 

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ I was just teasing, Davey. Sorry

_ DavidJacobs: _ I’m not offended, I’m just annoyed that now I have to do all their work. 

_ BetterJacobs: _ Just don’t. Let them fail

_ DavidJacobs: _ We’re being graded as a group.

_ BetterJacobs:  _ Ugh that’s such a dumbass system

_ CowboyKelly: _ I liked your email

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU): _ Lol ass kisser

_ nascar:  _ in more ways than one

_ BetterJacobs: _ STOP

_ BetterJacobs: _ Never make me think about that ever again 

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ Race is banned from talking for 100 hours

_ nascar: _ :(

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds: _ Do you want help with the project, Davey?

_ DavidJacobs: _ No thanks. It won’t take very long, it’s just tedious.

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ If you want to practice presenting it I’ve got my clipboard ready to go. Zoom time, bitches

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds: _ I’m so ready for Katherine’s teacher energy

_ DavidJacobs:  _ I wasn’t actually going to practice if it was just me but now I want to.

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds:  _ What’s the project on?

_ DavidJacobs:  _ We’re analyzing whether or not Reconstruction was a failure. 

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds:  _ Spoiler alert: it was 

_ CowboyKelly:  _ I don’t feel qualified to judge but I’ll watch

_ KingOfBrooklyn: _ Ah yes, seven white people sitting around talking about if America treats black people well (we don’t)

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU): _ Fair but we should still have discussions about how we’ve failed to improve race relations and what our generation can try and do about it (usually WE should sit down, shut up, and listen)

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ I know I was mostly joking

_ nascar:  _ umm actually according to that one guy Sarah and Davey aren’t white so…

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ Has it been 100 hours yet?

_ nascar:  _ :(

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ Also what

_ BetterJacobs: _ I FORGOT ABOUT THAT

_ BetterJacobs: _ That was the weirdest fucking thing

_ CowboyKelly: _ I’m confused

_ KingOfBrooklyn: _ What’s new

_ nascar: _ we were sitting at lunch and talking about how disproportionately white our school is and a kid came over because he had nowhere to sit so we all sat together

_ nascar:  _ and he was like “yeah I agree. there are six people at this table and four of them are white” and we all kinda looked at each other and then Sarah was like “what”

_ nascar:  _ and he said “oh sorry I thought you guys were Jewish” 

_ nascar: _ and we were still confused and he explained to us how if you were Jewish you weren’t white and therefore Sarah and Davey didn’t have to worry about their white privilege

_ nascar: _ it was fucking hysterical 

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ What the fuck

_ CowboyKelly:  _ Where was I during all of this?

_ nascar:  _ it was like the first five minutes of lunch and u and Spot weren’t there yet

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ How did you not lead with this when we sat down

_ nascar:  _ don’t be stupid

_ nascar:  _ we were talking about me and that’s more important

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU): _ It was one of the most incredible things I’ve ever seen. 

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds: _ I agree

_ nascar:  _ let’s put the attention back on me please

_ nascar:  _ everybody take turns saying something nice about me

_ DavidJacobs:  _ No.

_ CowboyKelly:  _ You’re not the worst person I’ve ever met

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU): _ I don’t think you’re dumb all the time just most of the time

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ You’ve successfully made it seventeen years without dying

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds: _ You’re one of my top two favorite brothers

_ BetterJacobs: _ No

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: the thing with the guy thinking David and Sarah couldn’t be white actually happened to me. It was hysterical.
> 
> I hope you liked this! Thanks for reading and please let me know what you think!
> 
> Also, if you noticed my Good Place reference I’ll love you forever.


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CowboyKelly: Race, make your boyfriend stop being mean to me
> 
> nascar: why
> 
> CowboyKelly: I’m your brother 
> 
> nascar: balloons float  
> nascar: the sky is blue  
> nascar: Davey can riff scarily well
> 
> CowboyKelly: ?
> 
> nascar: oh sorry I thought we were just listing obvious things that had no relevance to my question 
> 
> SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU): Shots fired

**There’s a Horse LOOSE in the Hospital**

**11:17 PM**

_ DavidJacobs:  _ David and Sarah have been singing the Last Five Years for the last 45 minutes

_ DavidJacobs: _ Make them stop

_ DavidJacobs: _ Oh yeah this is Les

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds: _ Lol hi Les

_ DavidJacobs:  _ Make them stop 

_ CowboyKelly:  _ How would we even do that

_ DavidJacobs:  _ Idk

_ DavidJacobs:  _ I’ll put his phone back by him and you can call

_ DavidJacobs:  _ He drops everything when you call

_ nascar:  _ lol whipped 

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU): _ 2 days ago you said Jack was whipped

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU): _ Which one of them is it?

_ nascar:  _ both

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds: _ What song are they singing?

_ DavidJacobs:  _ Right now they’re singing A Summer in Ohio

_ nascar:  _ petition for Sarah to sing Shiksa Goddess at her inevitable wedding to Katherine

_ nascar:  _ all in favor say aye

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds: _ Aye

_ CowboyKelly:  _ Aye

_ DavidJacobs _ : Aye

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ Aye

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU): _ I’m not sure if I’m allowed to vote but aye

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU): _ Also, I’m half Jewish so idk if this works

_ nascar:  _ petition for Davey to sing Shiksa Goddess at his inevitable wedding to Jack

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds: _ Aye

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ Aye

_ DavidJacobs _ : Aye

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ Aye

_ CowboyKelly:  _ I’m not sure if I’m allowed to vote but aye

_ nascar: lol _

_ BetterJacobs:  _ I’m back, bitches 

_ BetterJacobs:  _ Aye

_ BetterJacobs:  _ They should really make a movie out of that

_ CowboyKelly:  _ I call Jamie

_ BetterJacobs:  _ No

_ BetterJacobs:  _ Obviously I’m going to be cast as Cathy and I refuse to kiss you 

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ I love you, babe, but I’ll be playing Cathy

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ Although I also refuse to kiss Jack

_ CowboyKelly:  _ You know I’m a great kisser 

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ Yeah, because that worked out so well the last time

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ The perfect couple 

_ CowboyKelly:  _ Fuck off

_ CowboyKelly:  _ I can’t help it if she went and fell in love with Sarah 

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ Yeah, and I can’t help it if he went and realized he had been in love with Davey for at least three years

_ CowboyKelly:  _ I still don’t get why you said yes when I asked you out if you knew that

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ Because I had a crush on you and was in denial

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ Typing the words “I had a crush on you” literally made me shiver

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ What was I thinking?

_ CowboyKelly:  _ Love you too

_ BetterJacobs:  _ I’m loving this conversation

_ BetterJacobs:  _ That wasn’t sarcastic

_ BetterJacobs:  _ It’s legitimately hysterical

_ BetterJacobs:  _ You were both so dumb 

_ CowboyKelly:  _ Hey! :(

_ BetterJacobs:  _ I get to call you dumb

_ BetterJacobs:  _ The number of nights I spent comforting David because he was pining after you gives me that privilege

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ Making fun of Kelly is a basic human right not a privilege

_ BetterJacobs:  _ True

_ CowboyKelly:  _ Race, make your boyfriend stop being mean to me

_ nascar:  _ why

_ CowboyKelly:  _ I’m your brother 

_ nascar:  _ balloons float

_ nascar:  _ the sky is blue

_ nascar:  _ Davey can riff scarily well

_ CowboyKelly:  _ ?

_ nascar:  _ oh sorry I thought we were just listing obvious things that had no relevance to my question 

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ Shots fired

_ DavidJacobs:  _ David still hasn’t figured out that I have his phone 

_ nascar:  _ how

_ nascar:  _ how can he not be connected to his phone at all times

_ nascar:  _ I check my back pocket 12 times an hour to make sure it’s still there

_ BetterJacobs:  _ He’s setting up a zoom call rn so he’s on the computer

_ BetterJacobs:  _ He’ll notice soon enough

_ DavidJacobs:  _ Until then I’m going to look through his stuff

_ CowboyKelly:  _ Les whatever you do don’t go through our texts

_ CowboyKelly:  _ For our sake and for yours

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds: _ Oh no

_ DavidJacobs: _ Duh

_ DavidJacobs:  _ I don’t want to read that

_ DavidJacobs:  _ Just because I’m 9 doesn’t mean I’m an idiot

_ BetterJacobs:  _ How do you know what he’s talking about?

_ BetterJacobs:  _ Les

_ BetterJacobs:  _ Les, please answer 

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds: _ Oh no

_ BetterJacobs: LES _

_ DavidJacobs:  _ I’m in fourth grade

_ DavidJacobs:  _ People talk about things at recess

_ BetterJacobs:  _ When I was in fourth grade I played hopscotch at recess

_ BetterJacobs:  _ Why is fourth grade suddenly seventh grade

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds: _ Even in seventh grade it was weird

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ True

_ BetterJacobs:  _ I’m not saying I liked it

_ BetterJacobs:  _ Seventh grade was awful

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ Why?

_ BetterJacobs:  _ I mean, it was middle school

_ BetterJacobs:  _ But also because it was the year the pining started 

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ Davey’s?

_ BetterJacobs:  _ November 3, 2015

_ BetterJacobs:  _ A day that will live in infamy

_ BetterJacobs:  _ I had to endure three years of the pining

_ CowboyKelly:  _ What can I say?

_ CowboyKelly:  _ I have that effect on people

_ DavidJacobs:  _ No, you don’t, it was just seventh grade hormones. 

_ CowboyKelly:  _ You’re mean Les

_ DavidJacobs:  _ This isn’t Les.

_ nascar:  _ AMAZING ENTRANCE

_ nascar:  _ 10 OUT OF 10

_ DavidJacobs:  _ Also, aye. 


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _nascar named the conversation “The Quaranteens”  
>  4:07 PM_
> 
> _SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):_ No  
> SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU): Absolutely not
> 
>  _SitHere &FeedMyBirds: _ The quaranteens will be the people who turn 13 in 2033 because they were conceived in quarantine
> 
>  _BetterJacobs:_ You’re right and you should say it
> 
>  _CowboyKelly:_ Does that make us the quaranteened
> 
>  _KingOfBrooklyn:_ Stop
> 
>  _nascar:_ stop hating on our quaranmemes
> 
>  _KingOfBrooklyn:_ I’m dumping you
> 
>  _nascar:_ that’s quaranmean
> 
>  _KingOfBrooklyn:_ I’m going to quaranpunchyouintheface

**There’s a Horse LOOSE in the Hospital**

**4:07 PM**

_ nascar named the conversation  _ “The Quaranteens”

_ 4:07 PM _

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ No

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ Absolutely not

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds: _ The quaranteens will be the people who turn 13 in 2033 because they were conceived in quarantine

_ BetterJacobs: _ You’re right and you should say it

_ CowboyKelly:  _ Does that make us the quaranteened

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ Stop

_ nascar:  _ stop hating on our quaranmemes

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ I’m dumping you

_ nascar:  _ that’s quaranmean

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ I’m going to quaranpunchyouintheface

_ DavidJacobs:  _ I hate all of you. 

_ CowboyKelly:  _ :(

_ DavidJacobs:  _ Fine, I don’t hate all of you. 

_ CowboyKelly:  _ :)

_ DavidJacobs:  _ I don’t hate Charlie and Spot is on thin ice. 

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds:  _ I don’t hate you either!

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ If instead of Davey and Jack that had been Race and Spot, Spot would have made another break up joke (even though he made one thirty seconds ago) 

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ This is yet another piece of evidence that Jack is whipped

_ CowboyKelly:  _ I’m not whipped

_ nascar _ : yes u are

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ Yes you are

_ CowboyKelly:  _ I wouldn’t make a break up joke because I’m a better boyfriend than Spot is 

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ That’s true. You care way more about Davey than I do about Race

_ nascar:  _ c Jack he’s brave enough to joke around about it 

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ If you ever replace the word see with the letter c ever again we’re going to have major issues 

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ Sure…joke…

_ nascar:  _ :(

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ Fine it was a joke

_ nascar: _ :)

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ But I definitely think you’re more annoying than Jack thinks Davey is

_ nascar:  _ that’s valid

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ Really?

_ nascar:  _ u learn to take what u can get with him 

_ CowboyKelly:  _ Well obviously because I don’t ever think Davey is annoying 

_ BetterJacobs:  _ Lies

_ BetterJacobs:  _ Lies and falsehoods

_ DavidJacobs:  _ Thanks, Sarah. 

_ DavidJacobs:  _ Although, Jack, you are lying; you do find me annoying sometimes. 

_ CowboyKelly:  _ No I don’t!

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ You’re actually going to say you didn’t find the fact that he just used a semicolon in a text annoying?

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds:  _ He thinks it’s adorable

_ BetterJacobs:  _ Jack thinks anything David does is adorable 

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds:  _ True

_ DavidJacobs:  _ Shut up. You’re all mean. 

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ Don’t even think about it Race

_ nascar:  _ r we quaranmean

_ nascar:  _ oops too late

_ CowboyKelly: _ I can’t help it if my boyfriend is cuter than all of your boyfriends/girlfriends combined

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ False

_ nascar:  _ False

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ False I guess 

_ BetterJacobs:  _ I agree that my brother is adorable but not in the way you think he’s adorable

_ BetterJacobs:  _ So false 

_ DavidJacobs:  _ False

_ CowboyKelly:  _ DAVEY NO

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ Hi everyone and welcome to the first day of our new class, How to Trigger Jack Kelly 101. If everyone could take out their assigned text…

_ nascar:  _ sorry, prof, what’s the book called again

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ “Making Fun of David Jacobs.” Please open to chapter seven, Self Deprecation and we’ll talk about him making fun of himself

_ CowboyKelly:  _ Stop 

_ CowboyKelly:  _ I don’t like this class

_ CowboyKelly:  _ Tbh even the idea of this book existing makes me sad

_ DavidJacobs:  _ I love you, but you’re ridiculous. 

_ CowboyKelly:  _ Only for you

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds:  _ Jack, you spelt that wrong

_ CowboyKelly:  _ ?

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds:  _ It’s supposed to be “I am always ridiculous”

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ Yeah, sex is cool but have ever seen Charlie make fun of someone

  
  


**The Quaranteens**

**1:13 AM**

_ BetterJacobs:  _ Jack 

_ CowboyKelly:  _ Sarah

_ BetterJacobs:  _ I’m usually better at this than you because I’ve had 18 years of practice but

_ BetterJacobs:  _ How do you get David to go to sleep

_ BetterJacobs:  _ It has now been 42 hours 

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ What the hell Davey

_ nascar:  _ oof 

_ CowboyKelly:  _ If I knew the answer to that I would have told you years ago 

_ DavidJacobs:  _ Why did you put this in the group chat, Sarah?

_ BetterJacobs:  _ Because I figured I could try shaming you to sleep

_ DavidJacobs:  _ Jokes on you, I have no shame. 

_ CowboyKelly:  _ Got to sleep

_ DavidJacobs:  _ No. All of you are awake so you can’t talk. 

_ CowboyKelly:  _ My normal brother is asleep because he’s normal

_ nascar:  _ I resent that

_ CowboyKelly:  _ Do you?

_ nascar:  _ not really it’s fair 

_ BetterJacobs:  _ The good news is that David and I have discovered that warm milk is disgusting

_ BetterJacobs:  _ So if anyone was curious…mystery solved

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ So he can’t sleep or he won’t sleep

_ BetterJacobs:  _ Won’t

_ BetterJacobs:  _ I put warm milk in a travel mug and told him it was hot chocolate because I thought it might make him too tired to stay up

_ BetterJacobs:  _ He took a sip and was so grossed out that I had to see how bad it was

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ Babe, you know I love you but that seems like it was a pretty terrible plan

_ BetterJacobs:  _ I’m out of ideas

_ BetterJacobs:  _ I’ve reached the bottom of the barrel 

_ nascar:  _ tell ur mom to tell him to go to sleep

_ BetterJacobs:  _ She’s at work and our dad is sleeping and I’m not waking him up

_ DavidJacobs:  _ New plan: leave me alone and go to sleep yourself. 

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ Why don't you want to sleep

_ DavidJacobs:  _ I’m not tired

_ BetterJacobs:  _ He was doing stuff last night and now he’s reached the point where he’s so tired that he doesn’t feel tired anymore

_ DavidJacobs:  _ I’m not

_ BetterJacobs:  _ You dropped your phone while typing that text 

_ CowboyKelly:  _ Answer your phone, Dave 

_ BetterJacobs:  _ Hopefully Jack will have more success. How are you guys?

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ No

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ Let's all go to sleep

_ nascar:  _ why would we sleep when we could do more fun things

_ nascar:  _ like eat

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ You’re valid 

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ No he isn’t 

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ Good night

_ BetterJacobs:  _ Fine. I’ll go to sleep once I get David to. Gn

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU): Gn _

_ nascar:  _ any snack suggestions?

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds:  _ ALL OF YOU STOP TEXTING AND GO TO BED

_ nascar: why _ isn’t ur phone on silent

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds:  _ I learned to keep it on vibrate after the fifth time either you or Jack snuck into the house late so I could unlock the door before you start throwing rocks at my window.

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds:  _ I don’t understand why you don’t get that it doesn’t work like it does in movies. My window has so many scratches on it. 

_ nascar:  _ scratches of brotherly love

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds:  _ That doesn’t even make any sense!

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds:  _ Fuck off

_ nascar:  _ love u too


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _CowboyKelly:_ Fun fact  
>  _CowboyKelly:_ If someone calls you a simp you’re legally allowed to punch them
> 
>  _DavidJacobs:_ No, you’re not.  
>  _DavidJacobs:_ Who called you a simp?
> 
>  _CowboyKelly:_ Who do you think
> 
>  _nascar:_ howdy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You might have noticed that I switched my name. That’s because I wanted it to match my tumblr. Sorry if it confused you.
> 
> One of the headcanons that I will live and die by is that Davey is a hyperpolyglot. The full thing is on my tumblr if you want to see it.

**The Quaranteens**

**2:36 PM  
**   


_ CowboyKelly:  _ Fun fact

_ CowboyKelly:  _ If someone calls you a simp you’re legally allowed to punch them

_ DavidJacobs:  _ No, you’re not. 

_ DavidJacobs:  _ Who called you a simp?

_ CowboyKelly:  _ Who do you think

_ nascar:  _ howdy

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ Did you punch him?

_ CowboyKelly:  _ No

_ CowboyKelly:  _ But if I wanted to I would be legally allowed to

_ DavidJacobs:  _ That’s inaccurate. 

_ BetterJacobs:  _ I know that’s not what this is but when people unironically call men who are nice to women simps we go back at least three years in the fight for equality

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ Rt

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ Rt

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds:  _ Rt

_ DavidJacobs:  _ That’s fair. I commented on my friend’s Instagram post that I liked her dress and two guys called me a simp.

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds:  _ :( 

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ What did you say?

_ DavidJacobs:  _ “The fact that you think saying something kind to a woman or complimenting her is something you should be mocked for makes me incredibly nervous for any women who have relationships with you in the future. Also, I’m a homosexual.”

_ CowboyKelly:  _ My boyfriend is the greatest person alive and I will die on this hill

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ Saying “I’m a homosexual” instead of “I’m gay” is so powerful 

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ I don’t know why but it is

_ nascar:  _ we’re ignoring the most important part

_ nascar:  _ he has a friend that we don’t know

_ nascar:  _ we make all of his friends for him

_ nascar:  _ that’s how it works

_ DavidJacobs:  _ Ouch.

_ CowboyKelly:  _ Now I’m really going to punch you 

_ BetterJacobs:  _ Me too

_ nascar:  _ it was a joke! I love u Davey

_ DavidJacobs:  _ I know you were joking; it’s fine. 

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds:  _ As a punishment I just stole the last of his chips from the cabinet

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds:  _ Deal with it

_ nascar:  _ NOOO

_ DavidJacobs:  _ In Race’s defense, I don’t usually talk to anybody outside of us, our friends, and my family. 

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds:  _ How do you know her?

_ DavidJacobs:  _ She was my study partner in Hebrew school.

_ CowboyKelly:  _ You didn’t study with Sarah?

_ BetterJacobs:  _ You try studying with him! It’s just two hours of verbal abuse.

_ DavidJacobs:  _ That seems a little harsh.

_ BetterJacobs:  _ Here are some actual real life things he has said to me while studying

_ BetterJacobs:  _ “Do you actually pay attention in class or do you just play with your hair and think about Katherine?”

_ BetterJacobs:  _ “Your handwriting is like if a drunk doctor wearing a blindfold started journaling.”

_ BetterJacobs:  _ “Maybe you wouldn't have so much trouble with the homework if you focused on actual chemistry rather than the chemistry that the characters in whatever fanfiction you’re reading have.”

_ BetterJacobs:  _ “You know those mannequins that people put in their cars so they can drive in the carpool lane? Are you sure you’re not just putting one of those in your seat during calc and leaving? Because I feel like if you were ever there you would know how to do this.”

_ nascar:  _ yeah and I’M the mean one

_ CowboyKelly:  _ He does the same thing to me

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ Then why do you keep studying with him

_ CowboyKelly:  _ I find it oddly attractive. Is that weird?

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ Yes

_ DavidJacobs:  _ Do I do that? I have no memory of saying any of those things. I’m sorry.

_ BetterJacobs:  _ Don’t be. It’s entertaining and your insults are very creative. Plus, you make me tea before we start so it’s worth it

_ DavidJacobs:  _ Still, I’m sorry.

_ CowboyKelly:  _ Dave, we’re just teasing. No need to be sorry

_ nascar:  _ did u do that with ur friend

_ CowboyKelly:  _ Not helpful 

_ BetterJacobs:  _ Doubtful. David has never once been rude to me in shul

_ BetterJacobs:  _ He saves it for the walk home

_ DavidJacobs:  _ I was referring to a different type of studying, but no, I wouldn’t be rude in shul.

_ DavidJacobs:  _ I might be a dick, but I have boundaries. 

_ nascar:  _ Davey saying dick is keeping me alive

_ BetterJacobs:  _ The misconception that David is innocent is one of the funniest things in the world

_ BetterJacobs:  _ He curses so much

_ BetterJacobs:  _ It’s insane

_ nascar:  _ WHAT?!?

_ nascar:  _ unfair! how come I don’t get to see it

_ BetterJacobs:  _ He curses around you all the time

_ nascar:  _ ?

_ BetterJacobs:  _ At least 1/3 of the time that you hear us speaking in Hebrew or Polish he’s just insulting people

_ nascar:  _ EXPOSED

_ DavidJacobs:  _ I thought you all knew that already.

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ I’ve gained a brand new level of respect for you

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ Same. I’d gain even more if you said it to people’s faces in English but baby steps

_ nascar:  _ Spot if Davey starts cursing people out I’m breaking up with u and going after him 

_ CowboyKelly:  _ The fuck you are

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ Idc 

_ DavidJacobs:  _ I’m going to have to pass.

_ nascar:  _ did u know about this Jack

_ CowboyKelly:  _ I now know how to say shut the fuck up in six languages because he’s said it to me so many times 

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds:  _ Which ones?

_ CowboyKelly:  _ English, Polish, Hebrew, Arabic, Yiddish, French

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds:  _ Davey, you speak Yiddish?

_ DavidJacobs:  _ I don’t have to be fluent in a language to insult my boyfriend in it.

_ CowboyKelly:  _ Love you too

_ BetterJacobs:  _ Not German?

_ CowboyKelly:  _ He only speaks to me in German when he’s mad because yelling in German is scary 

_ CowboyKelly:  _ At least I think he’s mad

_ CowboyKelly:  _ Maybe it’s declarations of love

_ DavidJacobs:  _ It’s not.

_ nascar:  _ teach me ur ways oh wise one

_DavidJacobs:_ Step one is to learn a language the person you’re mad at doesn’t know.

_ DavidJacobs:  _ There are no further steps. 

_ nascar:  _ #hyperpolyglotlife

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds:  _ How many times do we have to talk about using hashtags in the group chat?

_ nascar:  _ apparently it’s at least one more than we already have

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ I don’t know why I’m friends with any of you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed! Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. 
> 
> My tumblr is @JewishDavidJacobs. Come say hi and send me prompts!


	6. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):_ Sarah, we’re breaking up  
>  _BetterJacobs:_ I’m taking Charlie, David, and Spot in the divorce. You can have Jack and Race  
>  _SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):_ Ugh fine

**The Quaranteens**

**4:44 PM**

_ nascar:  _ Jack

_ nascar:  _ as Davey’s best friend/boyfriend, u would know how to get him to stop

_ nascar:  _ so how

_ BetterJacobs:  _ First off, I’m David’s best friend, so jot that down

_ DavidJacobs:  _ Rt

_ CowboyKelly:  _ Rt

_ CowboyKelly:  _ I have no idea

_ DavidJacobs:  _ Hey!

_ CowboyKelly:  _ I wouldn’t ever want to make him stop because everything he does is perfect

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ Nice save

_ DavidJacobs:  _ I still don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. 

_ nascar:  _ ur texting me

_ nascar:  _ but u mean to be texting Jack

_ DavidJacobs:  _ Why didn’t you say anything?

_ DavidJacobs:  _ Delete the texts, Racetrack Higgins.

_ CowboyKelly:  _ Oh no oh god oh shit

_ CowboyKelly:  _ What did you say Dave

_ DavidJacobs:  _ Nothing inappropriate!

_ nascar:  _ I would rather it have been inappropriate

_ nascar:  _ this is disgusting

_ nascar:  _ an abomination

_ BetterJacobs:  _ I’m not sure I want to know

_ nascar:  _ u don’t

_ nascar:  _ it’s disgraceful

_ DavidJacobs:  _ I was literally just telling Jack that I love him. 

_ nascar:  _ no u were telling me that u love me

_ DavidJacobs:  _ Accidentally.

_ nascar:  _ u know u do 

_ DavidJacobs:  _ Not in the way I love Jack.

_ nascar:  _ so u admit it! u love me!

_ DavidJacobs:  _ I was never denying it.

_ nascar:  _ I win

_ DavidJacobs:  _ Win what?

_ nascar:  _ u know

_ DavidJacobs:  _ I really don’t. 

_ CowboyKelly:  _ Awwww babe I love you too

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds:  _ Why would it be gross for Davey to say he loves Jack?

_ nascar:  _ it wasn’t just “I love u” it was grosser

_ nascar:  _ I’ll copy and paste

_ DavidJacobs:  _ Don’t. 

_ nascar:  _ “I love you, Jacky. I miss you so much all the time. I can’t wait to see you again and sleep in your arms.” I feel like I’m going to vomit

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds:  _ Awwwww!

_ nascar:  _ it’s disgusting

_ nascar:  _ “I’ve been watching old westerns. I know you think I hate them but I don’t because they remind me of you.”

_ nascar:  _ this next 1 is hysterical

_ nascar:  _ “By the way, I’m wearing your sweatshirt and sweatpants right now. They smell like you and if I close my eyes it’s almost like you’re in the room.”

_ CowboyKelly:  _ Race stop

_ nascar:  _ it’s all good I’m done now

_ DavidJacobs:  _ I’m sorry that I love my boyfriend and that yours doesn’t show you any affection.

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ Shots fired

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds:  _ Shade thrown

_ KingOfBrooklyn: _ Race you’re a loser

_ nascar:  _ he does show affection he just doesn’t feel the need to text sappy shit

_ CowboyKelly:  _ Sappy shit is the best

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ True

_ BetterJacobs:  _ Accurate

_ DavidJacobs:  _ I’m not embarrassed by those texts. 

_ DavidJacobs:  _ Just because you’re emotionally stunted doesn’t mean I am.

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds:  _ Are you guys actually fighting? It’s hard to tell over text

_ BetterJacobs:  _ They’re literally on FaceTime talking about Neil deGrasse Tyson

_ nascar:  _ he’s an icon

_ nascar:  _ an icon who tweeted something problematic but still an icon 

_ DavidJacobs:  _ That’s true, he is iconic.

_ CowboyKelly:  _ Should I be hurt that you’re on facetime with him and not me?

_ DavidJacobs:  _ I have a life outside of you.

_ CowboyKelly:  _ :(

_ DavidJacobs:  _ I love you.

_ CowboyKelly:  _ I love you too

_ BetterJacobs:  _ This group chat has become you two talking about being in love and it’s gross

_ DavidJacobs:  _ If you don’t like it then maybe you would once again like to address the question I’ve been asking for years: do we really need a group chat?

_ nascar:  _ yes

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ I mean I thought you were in love too Sarah but go off I guess

_ BetterJacobs:  _ I love you

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ I love you too

_ KingOfBrooklyn:  _ I occasionally feel something that may be affection for you, Race

_ nascar:  _ *wipes away tear* that’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever said to me

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds:  _ *cries in lonely*

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds:  _ Just kidding

_ SitHere&FeedMyBirds:  _ Being single means I don’t have to share my Oreos

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ That’s fair. Sarah, we’re breaking up 

_ BetterJacobs:  _ I’m taking Charlie, David, and Spot in the divorce. You can have Jack and Race

_ SonOfABitch(GenderSwapAU):  _ Ugh fine


End file.
